Getting Back To Me
I honestly don't know where to start. I'm hoping that getting back
to blogging and that putting myself out there will not only bring me
back to me but will hold me more accountable and maybe, just maybe, help
someone else who may feel the same. This may jump around a bit but please bare with me.
In recent months I've just been going down a slippery slope of disappointment. Not necessarily with others but more so with myself (and when I allow my self to try to lean on others to only be let down and feeling so angry with myself for trying to lean and then tell myself this is why I don't ask for help or say anything) I know us moms are hard on ourselves but this has festered into a whole different monster. Depression and Anxiety are no joke and very very real feelings. I'm 36 and I feel like I'm just NO WHERE close to where I thought I'd be in life. I planned to be a marine biologist and travel and I've done none of that to date and I think it's safe to say that ship has officially sailed. I keep saying I'm going to go back to school to finish my AA (yes.. my AA!) so that I can continue on to bigger things (though I have NO CLUE what I want to be now, lol) but then there are things that are currently holding that off for another 2 years. I blame myself for things that I shouldn't. I hate that when someone asks what I do ... the look I get when I say that I stay home with the kiddos, much less that I'm homeschooling Peyton for now... NOT where I ever planned my life to be.. or what I planned to be. But it is what worked for our family and still what currently works. I don't feel as though I fit in with friends anymore.. or that I really have any for that fact. (Which I totally know deep down isn't true however I guess it just adds into everything else when you get down on yourself.. you tend to pick every part of your life and yourself apart. I know we are all doing our family lives.) I feel like because of this my kids are lacking and again.. my fault. And I HATE that I've allowed myself to become so over weight. I def do NOT like the outer me.
I just want to dig out of this hole I feel I'm in. I want to be ME again! One who had self confidence and frankly couldn't care what people thought of me as long as I was happy and I wasnt so worried about being perfect in everything (I'm not sure when that started). I've turned into someone who lacks all confidence, who constantly worried about being liked, who strives to try to be perfect (Which we all know is NOT possible), most days I just would like to lay in bed and be left alone instead of investing in the time I have with my husband, kids and friends.
I need to learn to love me again. To be a more positive person so that I can feed that into my children. They're picking up too much of the "current" me lately and that's not who I want them to be. I jumped off social media July 4 and while I will be jumping back on SOON I refuse to let myself be on it SO much. I was tired of comparing myself to others and then thinking just how I feel short of being like them or how perfect I thought their world was. I get so overly jealous lately when I see friends being able to hand their kiddos over to their parents and go have some time together while their kids enjoy time with grandparents. I've had a very hard time lately with just how unfair I think life has been to me in the aspect of my parents both being gone. Dean and I don't have the convenience of just being able to call our parents to help or keep our kids for a length of time when we need a break.
So, my goals for the future....
1) To put me first and take care of me. I mean without that I'm good for no one. First step in this process to try this whole keto thing out and get back in the gym! I loved myself so much more when I was working out.
2) Get back to something I love. For me this means taking a leap and re-opening my photography business and crossing everything I have that it'll work again.
3) Reconnecting with people. While I know I don't need other people to like me.. I do need my support system back. Most of which I'm pretty sure do not know my current situation. But while doing this I need to remember that because I'm not included or invited that it's ok... me being me isn't dependent on others.
4) Being more positive. Lets face it.. when we take a more positive approach to things.. even when bad things are going on, we get through things much better.
5) Quit yelling and saying things I shouldn't. This one is going to be the hardest. I have a very short temper but I believe I can over come this, it will just take LOTS of that Positivity and time, lol.
6) FIND A GOOD BABYSITTER!!! lol! I need to learn to trust and have people I can call when I need a break. May take some rearranging of the bank account but this is def a must. Not only for breathers for me when I need it but for Dean and I to start getting some time to ourselves for a bit for a date night here and there.
While throwing all this out here makes me especially nervous I just need to find a way to vent out and get things off my chest. Nothing is meant towards anyone.. just laying feelings I have out there so that I can overcome my current self and become me again.
This blog wont be all about me though.. so no worries. I loved blogging about the kids, well mainly Zane and a little with Peyton, haha, when they were younger and I missed so much of that with Tenley. I def want to be able to post and look back on them being little, the funny things that they do, and all the fun we have with them... so that I don't always feel like Eeyore. :) I'll be posting recipes and workouts and things along that road.. and of course some photography prob thrown in there as well. I believe I need an outlet and this is what this blog will be.
I'll try to do a post just to be able to catch up the last 3 years for the sake of being OCD and wanting everything in it's place, but also for those who may need a gap filler :)
In recent months I've just been going down a slippery slope of disappointment. Not necessarily with others but more so with myself (and when I allow my self to try to lean on others to only be let down and feeling so angry with myself for trying to lean and then tell myself this is why I don't ask for help or say anything) I know us moms are hard on ourselves but this has festered into a whole different monster. Depression and Anxiety are no joke and very very real feelings. I'm 36 and I feel like I'm just NO WHERE close to where I thought I'd be in life. I planned to be a marine biologist and travel and I've done none of that to date and I think it's safe to say that ship has officially sailed. I keep saying I'm going to go back to school to finish my AA (yes.. my AA!) so that I can continue on to bigger things (though I have NO CLUE what I want to be now, lol) but then there are things that are currently holding that off for another 2 years. I blame myself for things that I shouldn't. I hate that when someone asks what I do ... the look I get when I say that I stay home with the kiddos, much less that I'm homeschooling Peyton for now... NOT where I ever planned my life to be.. or what I planned to be. But it is what worked for our family and still what currently works. I don't feel as though I fit in with friends anymore.. or that I really have any for that fact. (Which I totally know deep down isn't true however I guess it just adds into everything else when you get down on yourself.. you tend to pick every part of your life and yourself apart. I know we are all doing our family lives.) I feel like because of this my kids are lacking and again.. my fault. And I HATE that I've allowed myself to become so over weight. I def do NOT like the outer me.
I just want to dig out of this hole I feel I'm in. I want to be ME again! One who had self confidence and frankly couldn't care what people thought of me as long as I was happy and I wasnt so worried about being perfect in everything (I'm not sure when that started). I've turned into someone who lacks all confidence, who constantly worried about being liked, who strives to try to be perfect (Which we all know is NOT possible), most days I just would like to lay in bed and be left alone instead of investing in the time I have with my husband, kids and friends.
I need to learn to love me again. To be a more positive person so that I can feed that into my children. They're picking up too much of the "current" me lately and that's not who I want them to be. I jumped off social media July 4 and while I will be jumping back on SOON I refuse to let myself be on it SO much. I was tired of comparing myself to others and then thinking just how I feel short of being like them or how perfect I thought their world was. I get so overly jealous lately when I see friends being able to hand their kiddos over to their parents and go have some time together while their kids enjoy time with grandparents. I've had a very hard time lately with just how unfair I think life has been to me in the aspect of my parents both being gone. Dean and I don't have the convenience of just being able to call our parents to help or keep our kids for a length of time when we need a break.
So, my goals for the future....
1) To put me first and take care of me. I mean without that I'm good for no one. First step in this process to try this whole keto thing out and get back in the gym! I loved myself so much more when I was working out.
2) Get back to something I love. For me this means taking a leap and re-opening my photography business and crossing everything I have that it'll work again.
3) Reconnecting with people. While I know I don't need other people to like me.. I do need my support system back. Most of which I'm pretty sure do not know my current situation. But while doing this I need to remember that because I'm not included or invited that it's ok... me being me isn't dependent on others.
4) Being more positive. Lets face it.. when we take a more positive approach to things.. even when bad things are going on, we get through things much better.
5) Quit yelling and saying things I shouldn't. This one is going to be the hardest. I have a very short temper but I believe I can over come this, it will just take LOTS of that Positivity and time, lol.
6) FIND A GOOD BABYSITTER!!! lol! I need to learn to trust and have people I can call when I need a break. May take some rearranging of the bank account but this is def a must. Not only for breathers for me when I need it but for Dean and I to start getting some time to ourselves for a bit for a date night here and there.
While throwing all this out here makes me especially nervous I just need to find a way to vent out and get things off my chest. Nothing is meant towards anyone.. just laying feelings I have out there so that I can overcome my current self and become me again.
This blog wont be all about me though.. so no worries. I loved blogging about the kids, well mainly Zane and a little with Peyton, haha, when they were younger and I missed so much of that with Tenley. I def want to be able to post and look back on them being little, the funny things that they do, and all the fun we have with them... so that I don't always feel like Eeyore. :) I'll be posting recipes and workouts and things along that road.. and of course some photography prob thrown in there as well. I believe I need an outlet and this is what this blog will be.
I'll try to do a post just to be able to catch up the last 3 years for the sake of being OCD and wanting everything in it's place, but also for those who may need a gap filler :)
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