Thursday, January 24, 2013

Broken

That's the best way to describe how I'm feeling.  I still can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that my daddy is actually gone.  It's just not fair.  I have found myself reliving this week of last year... I'm questioning my decisions on things, as to whether I jumped to quickly on some things... as to whether or not I made the best decisions on others.  It hurts to think about how the last conversation with my daddy went {though he at that time I believe was already gone}.  My heart is just completely broken.  I can't believe it's already a year since that whirlwind but I've been wrapped in another whirlwind that's had me so occupied there really hasn't been time to think about anything.  I feel like I just ran into a brick wall.... it's def all hitting, just sucks that it's hitting when there is no one really here and that it took a full year to hit.  I think at times I truly believed that this was all a horrid dream and that I'd soon wake.  I just hope and pray that those who have parents or even A parent left really know just how lucky they are.  I thought I grew up a lot when I lost mom, but now I have no room to screw up because my daddy isn't there to catch me as I fall any more.  I love and miss them both so very much.  I hate that Peyton will never remember her grandpa and that he wasn't here to see just how rotten she is.  I hate that Zane didn't get more time with him and I feel horrible when he talks about missing him.  It's not fair that neither of them even got to meet their grandma... If you have these people in your life.. please realize just how lucky your are and that time truly is a precious gift that no everyone receives.

I love you so much daddy.....

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